The other morning I woke up before the boys did. This is a rare occurrence, since I typically choose to conserve my energy and only wake up when they do. But, threw caution to the wind and got up while it was still quiet in my home.
The sprinklers had just switched to a different cycle and the morning sunrise was glittering through the weeds ornamental grass in our back yard. So I did what any sane person with a camera and quiet time would do and went out in my garden clogs and captured it through my lens! And, I have to say, for not being one for glitter, sparkle, and bling, I'm totally taken with it when God does it! It was beautiful.
See, I have been having problems breathing lately. It’s as though I can’t get an entire breath of air. After I have breathed in as much as I can, I still feel as though I need more. My lungs still ask for more. It’s frustrating and scary. It then starts me on a pattern of breathing shallow, out of worry, and I don’t completely expel the old air to make room for fresh breaths. I’m fine, I talked to my doctor, and realized a few things, naturally. Anxiety, that's all. But God showed me a few things spiritually, too. Natural: As I would go about my day, I had begun holding my breath. Maybe it was a natural response to worry for things that were on my mind, or a subconscious waiting for an answer to those same worries, but I would hold it all in, and not breath normally. Spiritual: God showed me that my breath was like my hopes and desires for my destiny. I was keeping them in, keeping them to myself. Natural: Then, I would start breathing again, but not completely clean out my lungs of the old air. Spiritual: I would let go of my vision for my future because that is what God asks us to do, but I wouldn’t actually do it completely. So, there is a build-up of my hopes, cares, visions, and agenda not allowing God to fully move in my life.
How to correct this? Naturally: breathe out forcefully, and take in air through your nose so that it isn’t rushed in and your lungs begin to expel old air and fill up naturally with new air, and we carry on breathing normally. Spiritually: completely let go of cares, worries, dreams, desires for our future and submit to God’s loving authority and much bigger vision and plan, then He can fill us with his breath, His Spirit, and our lives can function in HIS ‘normal’ for us.
So, I'm in this process of rewriting how I walk out my faith.
I thought I had it figured out, haha.
I've been clinging to the words of the chorus of the song "Beautiful Exchange" by Hillsong. It brings what I've been struggling through to a very exact point: God is Holy, so I will give everything to give Him my love. It doesn't matter what it happening in my family, it doesn't matter what is happening in my future, It doesn't matter who has wronged me. The pain and ache of my heart still can be lifted up when I come back to this: God is Holy, so I will give everything to give Him my love.
So, I've been surrounding myself with this. In every way. I'm playing music that brings it to my heart at decibels that can be heard down the street. I'm finding images that take my breath away and staring at them for minutes at a time (which is a lot for this non-diagnosed ADD social butterly!) There are mornings like the one I stole a few weeks ago, where the sun shines brightly, and the world glitters and sparkles and it's easy for me to get there. But, there are stil mornings when it's foggy and damp, when I'm truly doubting whether those words ring true for my life, but I choose to say them as truth anyhow; when it's much more of a battle.
But, I think that's okay.
Because, God is Holy, so I will give everything to give Him my love and He is showing Me that He will take care of the rest. Every time, all the way!