This last week, while I drove him to school one morning, Judah kind of started complaining that he didn't have a valentine and that some kids had made fun of him for it. (***helpful user hint: kids tend to open up and talk when they are in the car!)
Yes, I know. Calm down, Mama Bear. But, then again. . . actually, Mama Bear, you should probably go take a nap. I think this is a job for Wonder Woman's lasso of truth!!!
So, after we talked a little about it - he wasn't content with me saying that I would be his valentine (that hurts, Buddy!) - I told him, "then go and find a valentine!"
Pretty sure his mind literally blew up! Kapow! He looked at me as through I had sprouted wings. Because we have had many heart to heart conversations about boyfriends and girlfriends and where his heart is and what his heart can handle.
And, can I be honest?
My amazing, sweet, passionate, kind, caring, smart, good-looking, and sensitive 13-year old's heart absolutely CANNOT handle a girlfriend. And, therefore, it can't handle a Valentine.
And, here's why:
Prov. 4:23 Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.
I love my boys. dearly. I have protected them from harm, cared for them while they were sick, cried with them when they have lost, and celebrated with them when they have won. It is hard to watch when they struggle through life lessons, even when I know I can't stop all of those life lessons from happening. I have prayed over them, labored for them, and will continue to work really hard to raise them to live their lives well. And, in the matter of their heart, I will fight hardest!
Because I know what a broken heart feels like. I know what happens when a heart gets broken.
I know that young men and ladies with broken hearts, begin to hold back their heart.
Their heart is no longer guarded, but locked tightly away, so no one can hurt it again.
I can see the hurt on the faces of kids at my boys' schools - sweet kids, who have been hurt by people in their lives - and it breaks my heart when I watch them hurt others. Have you heard the saying, "hurt people hurt people?" It's a reality that happens to keep others away from the lock to their hearts, because they don't want to feel that pain again.
Now, I know that a great amount of the pain that happens in life is unavoidable. We are human, and we are all different from each other. And, in our differences, we will sometimes hurt each other unintentionally. But, as children, shouldn't our kids be able to deal with just the regular, age-appropriate hurts, without getting into the really deep ones? You know what I mean . . . . the Love ones?
So, this is what I walked through with my son:
Okay, Go and get yourself a Valentine. Then what? What does that mean? What does it mean to her? Does it simply mean that she likes you? But, you don't want to date right now, so her heart only gets hurt a little bit. Does it mean you are boyfriend and girlfriend? What next? What do boyfriends and girlfriends do?
Well, according to what my son sees and hears from his peers, they walk around the school being completely gross with their PDAs. They hook up (yup! that way!) . . . in ditches!!! Then, when all of that has finished, at whatever level it has been taken to, they break up. And, some might not show that it hurts them, pretending like it was no big deal; but others, try desperately to stop the pain that they are feeling from the hurt in their heart. Some become depressed. Others try to stem the pain by feeding it with more broken relationships. Finally, some end up in the ER because they simply think the pain is too much and try to kill themselves. (let's pause right here and allow ourselves to really consider how horrifically sad even the idea of of any of that is! and then to think that is actually happening!)
But, I'm pretty sure this is an apt description of adult behaviour, too. And, somehow we think that our teenagers - whose brains, bodies, and hormones haven't even begun to figure themselves out!! - can handle it?!?!?
Now, you can totally call me old-fashioned, and a prude, and whatever else there is to be called. But, you can't tell me I'm not speaking truth.
Because, that doesn't even touch the long-term effects of what leaving my son's heart unguarded will do. The gradual build up of walls around his true heart and emotions - walls that don't allow others in, and don't allow him out. Or the casual, brash treatment of something that is meant to be intimate and tender; even in the most simplistic form, like holding hands. And, let's not forget the loss of worth that comes from giving up pieces of your heart and body over and over and over.
Now, the Mama Bear comes out! Because the want to help them determine the BEST course possible for their lives! I want to give them the best start and foundation that they can possibly have. And, if that all comes from their heart, than you can bet, I will fight like the meanest Mama Grizzly you ever saw to guard their hearts!!!
I am raising men for whom divorce isn't an option. I am trying to raise men who will exercise self-control when it comes to 'being a man'. I am doing my best to raise men who will not give up easily, because they were taught that sometimes you have to wait for the true prize. They were taught that just because everyone else had a Valentine in 8th grade didn't mean it was the right thing for them. . . . . for their heart.
Please understand that I say this with no judgement towards anyone. We all have been hurt and are doing our best to carry on through life as honestly and well as we can. But, I also want you to know that there is a hope and a help. Maybe, I have been describing you, and you're not very happy with me right no. Your weren't taught to guard you heart, because no one told you how valuable it was, and you have it locked tightly away. You've thought, "I've lived this long with it, I guess there's no answer that will help." Or maybe you are looking at you own kiddos and hoping beyond hope that they don't make the same mistakes you did, but you don't know how to help them. The one answer that has helped us in talking to our boys, is Jesus.
Because Jesus IS Love.
[Jesus said to his disciples] Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
In fact, HE did lay down his life for us. And, showed us how to love completely.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
That is what I am teaching my boys the standard of love is.
And, I pray that some Mamas, somewhere, are teaching that to their girls!!! Because, beside the One who already gave them the greatest gift of love ever, only ONE Valentine will be worthy of their hearts.
And, when those young ladies find my men, they will be so grateful that my boys guarded their hearts and are able to share them completely.
Comments