joyful.life.photography

4/06 & re-discovering peace

Happy Montana Day!!!  I come from a state with the biggest skies anywhere, mountains rimming almost any view in a 360 degree circle, lots of space, and ONE AREA CODE!   

Yes, you read that correctly.  The ENTIRE state of MT - 4th largest in square miles in the United States- has the same area code.

Land line & cell phone!!  

I grew up with a lot of space and a pace of life that didn't race like Hell was chasing it.  

And, then I grew up. . . . then I started having to adult and all of that.  And, my space diminished and pace increased.  

Kiddos climb on me, breath on me, and squish me.  They are boys, so they stink a good portion of the time.  Why do they stink?  I don't know!  I keep waiting for someone to give me a good reason, but as of yet, the only thing that anyone offers up at anytime is, "they're boys!"  

The amount of stuff I have because of them is overwhelming.  And, we're re-finishing the garage right now so we can have more space, because, apparently, boys grow and so does their energy level - exponentially!!  And, my space that used to seem so big, is feeling slightly cramped. 

And, I used to be able to decorate my home.  Like, actually, take time to look at the walls and dream up ideas for what I wanted to creatively accomplish with the space.  I thought up crafts & projects for said boys to do - full of color, and fun, and room to make mistakes, and time to experiment.  I had dreams of fixing up my back porch so that I could sit on it and read in the afternoons.

WHO HAS TIME TO SIT ON THEIR BACKPORCH AND READ IN THE AFTERNOON??????? 

In the last year, hurt, pain, people, and life all seemed to close in on me.  I had started to believe that space and pace was simply destined to be small, and fast for the rest of eternity.  

during the last year, I soaked up the Psalms.  Over and over I read through it and tried to squeeze every ounce of praise, peace, and joy out of each word.  I completely felt every cry, every heartache, every question, and every condemnation-on-the-enemy that they psalmist wrote.  But, when I would read verses like. . . 

The spacious, free life is from God, it’s also protected and safe. God-strengthened, we’re delivered from evil— when we run to him, he saves us. (Ps. 37:39-40) I have to admit, I kind of got a little upset with God.  I didn't want my life to run me, and I wanted to feel like I could breathe. Like it feels in the 406. 

How was I supposed to get back the space and pace?

So, almost a full year - of desperate tears, hopeless moments, running like a chicken with her head cut off, faking it till I made. . . anything/something, never being enough, old insecurities setting up home again, huge messes, really huge messes, failing and then getting up and painfully trying again

it's been a long year.

But, tonight, I think I see the truth that a shift has happened.  There have been small moments before, but tonight, something MORE is there, too.  My house is a mess (remember? garage project), bathrooms need cleaned, laundry needs done, one of my boys just glared at me because I told him to go and get ready for bed, justing looking around I can see more things than I can count that need put away/cleaned up/organized, I can't quite get my head around my to-do list for tomorrow and next week's build-up to Easter seems like a prayer and a hope.

But, I have peace.  There is space and the promise of more space.  and I'm learning to set my pace and slow it the heck down, or spread it W  I   D   E   O   P   E   N. . . . . so that I can breathe!

My boys played catch after dinner until it got too dark for them to see.  My dishwasher is humming beautifully.  I am blogging pieces of my heart. I made a yummy dinner and we sat at the table together to eat it.  My to-do list is getting done - ON TIME!!! I get to see dear, dear friends this weekend.  Dreams have started waking up in my heart again.  

That dream of sitting on my back porch. . . .that dream can come true!!!

So, Happy Montana Day.  May you forever know the comfort of wide open space, room to breathe, and the pace of life with which to savor every single bit of it!!

Let your love, God, shape my life with salvation, exactly as you promised; Then I’ll be able to stand up to mockery because I trusted your Word. Don’t ever deprive me of truth, not ever— your commandments are what I depend on. Oh, I’ll guard with my life what you’ve revealed to me, guard it now, guard it ever; And I’ll stride freely through wide open spaces as I look for your truth and your wisdom; Then I’ll tell the world what I find, speak out boldly in public, unembarrassed. I cherish your commandments—oh, how I love them!— relishing every fragment of your counsel. Ps. 119:41-48

Goodbye 2016

2016 . . . . It bums me out to say that I didn't like a year. . . . .

because days add up with other days to turn into years then turn into what makes up life - and my life is beautiful.  

But, my life isn't beautiful because it is perfect.  My life is beautiful because it has layers, made up of good and bad, happy and sad, joyful and . . . yeah, I'm sure you get the idea. My life is beautiful because of the grace that weaves its way through the mundane and ugly.  

This year, to put it simply, has been mundane and ugly. but, there has been grace gently and beautifully woven through it all:

deeply peaceful moments rocking nephews to sleep, that calmed my heart and helped it to battle the wild unrest that threatened it spinning out of control

learning more about who God created me to be and the giftings that He has given me while struggling to not lose myself completely in the busy-ness of being in control and working 

stepping into new and exciting challenges and talents while essentially erasing the work and influence of people who are extremely dear to me

and so many more. . . . . oh, 2016.  I can't lie. I will be be happy to see you leave. I will be very happy to count down your last few seconds, kiss my loved ones and celebrate the beginning of 2017.

But, I can't go without thanking you for the layers that you have added to my life.  I know at some point in my future, as I look back over this beautiful life, I will be glad for the graces that were woven into the lovely layers of my life within your days.

goodbye. 

 

 

Ships were made to sail

 

Have you ever heard that quote, "A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are made for."? 

While it may be fairly easy to grasp the meaning of that quote, to get a real understanding of it may be a little bit more difficult.  I mean, last I checked we don't live in the 1800's and have to look only to ships for our main form of long-distance transportation.  We just hop in the car and drive.  Or grab a flight and fly.  or we don't go at all.

But, It's not quite the same.  Your actual physical effort and risk in those modes of transport is relatively low.

There is something about the salty ocean scent, wind, the sound of the water against the ship, and the open air that simplifies your thoughts.  Even being anchored in the harbor, safe from the open waves, you can start to get an idea of the raw grit that is required to propel the vessel to its destination.  But, there is a purpose and point to a ship.  It was designed to move through the water, to use the wind to propel it, to carry cargo and treasure, or to explore the 'new'.  If a ship never leaves the harbor, there is simply lost potential. 

There is absolute value in harboring a ship for repairs, maintenance, man-power, sustenance, and . . . . care.  But, everything that happens in harbor is to prepare the ship for sailing again. Not to stay in the harbor. 

In many ways, I am in the harbor right now.  Recently, I had the amazing opportunity to spend a night on a replica tall ship overnight in the Santa Barbara Harbor. It was absolutely awesome!  But, I couldn't help but start seeing a deeper picture.  Over the last few years, I have been in a storm, limped my way back into harbor, and have been anchored.  That happens, it has to.  There is value in all of those stages.  But, as I stood on that ship deck, something started opening up in my heart.  I am starting to open myself back up to the prospect of sailing out of the safe harbor to move through the ocean water, to be propelled forward into new ventures, and to carry 'treasure' to other people and places.  I'm not there yet,  I'm still very happily anchored. 

But. . . .

the weekend after my overnight trip, we went back down as a family and watched the tall ship sail out into the ocean on an extremely windy day.  All sails furled,the ship practically keeled to the side, it was breathtaking to watch.  and, that's when the shift started to happen ---

Next time, I want to be ON that ship!  I don't want to watch from the distance, I want to experience it.

 

Getting dressed up

"I have nothing to wear!!"

Those famous words we've all uttered at one point in our lives, if not kajillions. You stand there at the closet, in some form of undress, staring, trying to figure out what you should put on for the day, hoping that something in that closet will magically make you something more than you feel like you are. Am I right? 

But, of course, you are, in fact, most likely looking at any number of choices!  Well, that's how it normally goes down in my closet. 

As I stand there, just staring, maybe complaining a little, my sweet husband just loves to point out the truth . . . because he is just SO sweet (can you hear the sarcasm in my tone?), "you have plenty to wear!!!  You just don't want to!"

So, there I stand, staring at my clothes, still feeling like I have nothing to wear, still not dressed, plus, now grumpy at him for calling me out! Whatever!

But, I guess, . . . . . hubby is right.

I have plenty of clothes hanging there in that closet and I just don't want to wear them.  Somehow in my head I am able to believe that 'other' clothes will be better than the ones already there in front of me.  Somehow in my brain, none of the clothes I already own are 'just right', and I won't 'feel' like the imminently cool person I would feel like if I had other clothes!

Come on, now!  You know what I'm talking about, whether you are male or female, you know it!

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." Colossians 3:12‭-‬14 MSG

When I read this verse the other day, I totally pictured my closet!  I saw the WHOLE story being played out in my mind, only it was God in the role of hubby, and He was much nicer in how he pointed out the truth to me.  He said:

"I have picked you for this life and provided the most beautiful and fitting outfits for you to wear to play your part.  I picked you because I love you, and that in and of itself makes you gorgeous.  But, I think that the clothes that I have purchased for you - through great cost to myself, by the way - will make you radiant!  You will shine! I am giving them to you. As a gift. You won't need any other clothes, I'm sure of it.  But, I will let you choose to wear these clothes or not.  But, there is one especially perfect piece that I really think you should never be without.  It's love.  That one is will be so very beautiful on you and so versatile!"

There are so many things in this life that make me question what I am supposed to be doing; that make me search for other 'clothes', other answers, others ways of being.  Hurt, hatred, anger, confusion, self-pity, selfishness, doubt, fear, apathy.  psh! I tried on all of those beauties just this morning before breakfast (thank you, very much, Facebook!) The past month has left me feeling as though I really didn't have anything to wear: cold, vulnerable, sad. But, life does that. And, some days, I have dressed myself wrong, or gone shopping for items that weren't already given to me and realized they really didn't fit well.  They made me ugly. They made me insecure.

I have had to choose to dress myself in the wardrobe that my Good Father already provided for me.  I have had to choose compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, & discipline.  I have had to choose to be even-tempered, or content with second place (ugh!!! I had to try that one a few times before I made myself walk out the door with it!). And, can I be quite honest when I tell you that I haven't worn all of the garments in my closet in the last month!  I make up excuses that quickly forgiving an offense and forgiving quickly don't fit the season, but, I know that all of His garments fit in all seasons.  Again, it's my choice.

And LOVE.  How beautiful would we all be if we remembered every day to dress up in it? How absolutely stunning would humanity be if we chose to wear LOVE, every day, every season, and every event???

 

Excuse me while I go stand in my closet some more.

 

 

Time stand still

This month has been a blur!!  Wow!! 

There are so many beautiful people in front of my camera and filling my life!!  I will be posting for months after this, but I wanted to still keep up with my picture a day for this month.  (To prove that I haven't fallen off the proverbial band wagon!) Since much of this month has been spent at photo shoots, I am still editing some of the more recent images, so this is just the start : )

 

And, as you can see that is up to day 6 : )  There's a lot more of this lovely month to come!!

Welcome October & a picture each day!!!

 

 

{this first photo is a little bit of a cheat, since it is taken with my phone, but, I feel it was needed in order to capture the other part of me that is involved in this project - my camera! . . . and my amazing smelling candle that I accused a friend of stealing but found under my front car seat months later : ( and a pile of old magazines (to aid in idea production), and last year's Christmas ornament project (to remind me to actually DO idea production!)}

 As Anne of Green Gables so beautifully said, "I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers." 

That has always been so true.  With the starting of school, sports, and the end of summer, September always seems overwhelming; like I dropped all the pieces of life and am scrambling to gather them all back in. But, by October, I feel like I've been able to accomplish that (somewhat), and that life has started to come back together.  The routine has been established, somewhat cooler weather starts people back to being all homey, occasional naps are just pure bliss, my birthday happens - and my soul is able to take a deep breath!

So, maybe that's why every year in October I feel like I can capture a photo day!  I have been extremely hit or miss with this project in years past . . .actually, I've failed miserably!! But I feel compelled to try again this year!

I'm going to make an effort to gather the pieces of life back together and look at them in a fresh way.

-- I think it's a lovely way to begin to move into our Holiday craze, too! Even, if I only get about 15 pictures of the month, it always helps me remember what the holidays are really about --

 

So, here is to a beautiful October.  The month, where your soul hopefully feels like it can take a breath and re-gather itself! 

The Martinez family

 

I LOVE families!  It is pretty simple!  I love them!  I love how they are all different, but held together by so many of the same things.  Especially love.  Love makes for a good glue to hold things together!

 

 

And, when there are little boys, with sweet smiles, and mischievous twinkles in their eyes, you really cannot get much better!!! 

 

Just STOP!!!

I found myself saying that to myself over and over again as I edited this shoot!!!  'Just STOP!!'  The cuteness, the sweetness, the love, the big blue eyes, the cutie grins, the goodness of a newborn baby!  Just STOP!!!  Seriously!!! 

 

 

Little boys are seriously precious!!!  Seriously!!  Are you saying it yet? 

 

 

Just STOP! 

But, then, there are the moments that I just can't pose.  There is absolutely literally NO WAY that I could pose this amazingness!!!! 

 

 

And, then, you add in Dad and mom, and it just kept getting better and better! 

 

 

Look at the crazy, impish, mischievous, absolutely precious grin on Little Mister's face up on Daddy's shoulders!!!! JUST STOP!!!! 

 

And, then, you just get to the plain, simply beautiful, sweetness that is a newborn!!!  I'm smitten!

 

 

Just smitten!!

 

The Winkles baby!

 

There are moments where the camera only tells a part of the story.  It is telling of a beautiful and sweet love.  It is telling of hope and joy wrapped up in a pregnant belly.  But, it isn't able to tell all of the story. 

It isn't able to tell you how this little human being growing inside of it's mother's belly wasn't supposed to be!  My camera (as much as I love what it is able to tell you!) can't tell you that the doctor's said that there was a 1% chance that Mom & Dad would ever get pregnant!!  You can't see that, but it's there, and it makes what my camera can tell you about all that much more special!!!

 

 

What you can see is love, joy, excitement, and 2 very happy parent's to be!!!

 

 

We are so excited for you guys!!!  WE can't wait to meet him!!

 

Wherever you go. . . .

 

There are many ways of going. . . .  you can GO physically,  by planes, trains, and automobiles : )  you can also go by boat, but I personally think that mode of transportation is whack!  since I seem to get seasick fairly easy.  Metasphysically, you can 'go hard', 'go big'.  You can go passionately into something, you can go timidly. You can go fast, slow, with fear and trembling, with strength and bravado. 

Since we have been getting ready to go to Kosovo in May,  there has been a lot of thought as to 'GO' in my life.  I have realized that even in my day to day work here at home and in my photography, I have to choose to GO in order to get anything accomplished!!  The more I process it, I wonder if when Jesus said, "GO,"  (Mark 16:15)  that He was limiting that charge to simple geography.  That's too linear.  I think He wants us to GO in every way in order to bring Him glory.  It's an action of choice.

As a mom, I have always hoped that my thirst for adventure and big dreams are some of the traits that can be passed on to my 2 little men.  I can't imagine living life without it, personally.  But, even, if their hearts lead them to be home bodies that just live, love, and serve in their own communities, I hope they realize how much heart is needed in the journey!!  I hope that, with ALL of their hearts, they GO to work and provide for their families faithfully, that they GO and love their wives passionately.  I can't wait for them to GO and LIVE with everything in their hearts!! 

This is how we used to go to Kosovo!  For six years, many suitcases, sweat, exhaustion, little people.  The Amazing Race had nothing on us!  Nothing!  So, in prep for going, I've been warning the boys about how we will GO this time!  There will be no whining; they will jump up at a word so we don't miss a plane, train, or automobile; they will have to push through jetlag and not be total grumps to the world.  But they will also go with all of their hearts - with joy, laughter, passion, and wonder! I cannot wait!

 

 

I have to say, when I saw this sign the other day, I had to have it.  Because no matter how I go physically or otherwise, anyplace in life,  I love the reminder to choose to go with all of my heart!!!  Where are you going today?  Are you going with all of your heart?